A Year Ago

It’s been just over a year,
Since I have made my thoughts appear clear,
Verbalization has never been a talent of mine,
So I depend on these lines and rhymes,
To get me through the tough times,
Where my own thoughts are like a disease,
Eating away at the inside of me,
There have been days where I didn’t want to wake up,
Times I just wanted to give up,
This poetry was always enough,
To get me through the rough stuff,
I’ve written poems on my love for someone else,
Too bad they were only interested in themselves,
So many words wasted,
So many songs and views tainted,
With the image of you,
Now the lenses of my eyes have been renewed,
When I feel lonely I no longer think of you,
My words have taken a new direction,
These words now have a purpose other than protection,
From myself,
They speak truth and offer help,
Ive been through some dark days,
Days of addiction,
Looking back and it almost seems like fiction,
Back to the times I wanted to end my own life,
Thankful for the times I thought twice on the decision,
Now I have vision and I’m on a mission,
To spread love to anyone who can hear it,
Show compassion to anyone who can feel it,
Let my actions speak to those who can see it,
I’m a new man saved by Jesus.

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12 Rounds

It seems my inspiration comes in waves,
Only arrives when I’m in pain, or on these rainy days.
It used to come into view, back when I loved you.
My Muse, skipping time with the dudes.
Just to be with you.
Now I’m left feeling.
Like my heart’s gone 12 rounds.
Every round I’ve been knocked down.
These punches leave me reeling.
Kneeling on the ground.
Trying to figure this whole thing out.
If love were a river, I think I’m in a drought.
What I’ve found out, I’ll never be the winner.
Been on the losing end my whole life.
I used to get KO’d every night.
Faded, like I was lacking light.
Trying to take flight, to forget this life.
Forget how lonely I am.
Forget how I have no friends.
Besides the few, one of them being you.
What am I to do.
When all I wanted was you.
You left me black and blue.
It’s nothing new, it’s surreal.
I miss the view, miss that smile.
Those brown eyes that shimmered like mahogany.
But like the latest fashions, I went out of style.
Too quickly, to put it simply.
I gave you all the life I had left.
Now I’m left drained and in distress.
Literally, I’m a mess.
I can hold myself together for a few moments at best.
Life has put me to the test, mental illness has stolen my breath.
Weighing me down like a bullet proof vest.
Not protecting my heart, just bringing me stress.

Seasons of Love

For some reason, I know I’ll always be someone’s second.
And with the changing of the season, it will be nothing new.
The falling of leaves is nothing different.
We all know the snow follows.
So why do we act surprised.
As soon as those snowflakes start falling from the sky.
Is it because we know that the landscape will become frozen.
So when things get difficult.
All of a sudden I’m not worth it.
Like you knew it was going to happen.
The cycle of life repeats itself.
Every year the white blanket​ returns.
Every summer my stomach churns.
It wretches at the thoughts of the ones lost.
The ones who left because I was a lost cause, to them.
The best friends, turning to pretend.
In the end, my head repeats the same lines.
Why do you try to find love?
You will never be enough, for someone else.
They will never except your state of mental health.
So I’m left in a drought, unable to get a drop out.
A single bead of moisture is all I need.
To moisten my lips.
To bring my hands off my hips, that were placed there during my time of exhaustion.
During that season I was forgotten.
Like a song from the 90’s.
You can find me, buried on the shelf of dusty records.
The ones that no longer get any playtime.
Laying here waiting for someone to hit the rewind on time, to clear this dirt from the surface.
To see that I still have purpose.
Yes I’m broken, but not beyond repair.
Do I dare to ask for your help.
Or will you leave like everyone else.
Is it too much to ask for someone’s hand.
To help me up.
Is it too much to ask you to be a crutch.
That I may lean on during my time of need.
I fear my knees, can no longer support the house of stone.
This house that was built through this life I have lived alone.
This home people speak of was non existent to me.
You see, I was an alien within those walls.
My presence was unwanted, so it seemed.
Now all I want is to be free from the chains.
That have held me down.
But I cannot gather the power from my legs to get myself out.
So I will lay here and wither much like a tree in the winter.
Just wishing someone would warm my core, my soul, that is what love is for.
Not to rob one of their joy, it’s not a toy you can just play with.
I just wish someone would see this love I have inside of me.